I feel defeated. Humbled. Laid low. Broken. Weary.
When I made the decision to stay for 4th year at Moore College, I was swayed by the promises of those who had gone before me. They cheerfully offered the advice that the final year was amazing. Worth it. The year where everything gets pulled together. The year where you get to think about whatever you want. That if I was inclined to study then I wouldn’t find it too hard. Especially on the basis of this last point, and given my excessively long time in tertiary institutions, I figured it would be OK.
They neglected to mention that it was also the year that you get pulled apart. The year you swing wildly between ‘I love it’ and ‘I loathe it’. The year you have an almost constant headache from a painfully tense upper back. The year where your eyes sting from too much time in front of a computer and not enough sleep. The year where your brain feels that if your eyes read anything else, it is just going to pack up and move out.
The most curious thing to me is that it is both these things at once. This confuses me no end. Only a few hours ago I was delighted to discover that I actually liked one of my hardest subjects. Now as I brood over the essay for the same subject I find my mind empty, a string of what appear to be non-connected words flashing before my eyes.
I speak to 1st years, and their bright eyed excitement wearies me. They animatedly ask ‘what’s 4th year like?’ I want to say that it’s a freaking nightmare. But I also want to say that it is brilliant. That I’m learning and growing and actually loving God’s grace more. That in my weakness I see his power. That even though it is hard, it is also an incredible blessing. Oddly, both are true.
Things that are hard are not always worth doing, but things that are worth doing are often hard.
This feels very true today.